Monday, September 13, 2010

Out with the old, in with the new.

My whole life I've hated crying. Probably because I had an older brother that I had to seem cool to all the time, and crying isn't something you do when trying to appear cool. Every kid knows that. Hello.
Crying is something vulnerable people do. Something that the not-tough people of this world do. You know...the wimps.
Up until a few years ago, I was able to control tears and somehow swallow them back into my eyeballs. {Or pretend I had allergies, or even pretend like I was just missing our old dog. Because it's alright to cry about a dog. Just not anything else.}
Something has changed in my heart though. You see, Jesus came in with a giant wrecking ball, knocking over my tower of pride that I have been building since the day i was born. He has laid me low and built me back up, starting from the very foundation. He has rescued me from myself and has gloriously ruined "my" life. He has shown me who I was, and who He is. And the best part, who I am now IN Him.
Ezekiel 36:26 says this: "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Isn't that marvelous? He makes us all the way new. He doesn't just give face-lifts and nose jobs. He gives heart transplants.
Jesus has taken my dry bones and breathed life into them. He has taken away my old, rock-hard heart and replaced it with one that can feel compassion. He has raised this life of mine up from the dead. He has shown me things about how to love and how to live. He is still showing me things, and will always be showing me things because I will never completely get it in this lifetime.
One of the best side effects of this heart transplant that I have undergone is... this new heart has made me a crying fool.
I have grown to love crying. I love it because it is so contrary to how I was before Jesus saved me. It is so uncomfortable and so ugly and so not cool that I love crying. I love basking in my vulnerability and wimpiness. I love basking in the invulnerability and strength of Christ. I love crying without fear of the thoughts of brothers, or friends, or random neighbors. { Let's just set this straight now as well...I am not one of those cute cryers. I'm the kind of cryer that people are like "Wow Ellie. You've been crying. When did you become Asian? Do you even have eyes?" }
I cry when I see sweet mothers with their babies. I cry when I see babies with no mothers. I cry over hearing stories of God moving in foreign lands and in my own backyard. I cry over my family picture. I cry over my siblings lost families. I cry over those who have believed and been saved by Jesus. I cry over those who have not yet believed. I cry over who Jesus is and how great He is. I cry when I think about all that He has done for me. Ellie = a crying fool.
This new heart of mine is something to rejoice over. Each day, it breaks a little more for that which breaks God's heart. And each day, it beats a little more for the things that God's heart beats for. I had nothing to do with obtaining this heart. It's only because of grace that I have been made new. {Lord knows, grace is all that could have done it. } And the things of this world grow strangely dim in the light of God's tremendous glory and grace.
Cool and composed and dignified have kost their pedestal in my life. If those things don't allow for tears, then good-bye dignity. I don't even know if we ever really were friends anyway. Good-bye cool. You're definition is always changing and you're too difficult to keep up with. Good-bye composed. {composed? heh?}
The Lord is such an amazing redeemer. If you have not allowed Him to come in and take over your heart and life, do it now. There is so much grace, and freedom, and'll be a crying fool too.
"I'm Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume There's not enough dignity to hold me now When I know You're going to meet me here There's not enough gravity To keep me away from You
Cause I'm breaking down I don't even care if there's anyone else around Cause I'm breaking down I always fall to pieces whenever You're around"
( )


Sharon said...

So awesome to hear what God's doing in your life/heart Ellie!

natali said...

i understand this all too well. :)) it is a wonderful feeling to just cry happy tears over how good He is.

Angela said...

I love love love this post!!!! Your words could not beeter describe my own heart. Before I became a believer I prided myself in my non emotion. How foolish now looking back. Pride in feeling nothing.

Now so many things move me to tears. I used to apologize for my lack of control. Then Larry told me it was ok, he loved that about me. It's good when our hearts are broken for the things that break God's hearts.

I love you sweet sister!

Kayla Burick said...

Wow! Just read this for the first time. AMAZING! =) Totally understand!